The existential dread pins you to your bed and the heaviness in your chest reduces you to dead weight.īut I used to feel passionate and exhilarated, even if it wasn’t “greatness” talking. It’s the understanding that over time, we make excuses for ourselves and things happen and the vision you once had clouds up. It’s that complicated realization where you know that as life goes on it gets more tiring and your dreams lose their clarity. But I just want to know that I’m reaching for more than a paycheck. Nowadays I feel myself slipping into the mundane things, hobbies and passions fading away as career options occupy the forefront of my thoughts. I don’t want to lose this one version of myself I respected and I especially don’t want to become complacent in it all. I don’t know where it went and I don’t want to look back one day and realize I lost it. Maybe someone else put it in my head but I felt it - this overwhelming feeling of elation, like I knew the world had something special in store for me.
To get lost in a craft and to impact people in doing so. I used to have this nagging, insane drive to be great. Instead, I realized that I lost something along the way.
Old teachers, soccer teams, academic awards, music I used to listen to, etc. I went on an internet deep dive of my childhood for 4 hours today. In his song, “Between the Bars,” on the album, Either/or (1997), Elliot Smith sings, “Drink up baby, stay up all night/ With the things you could do/ You won’t but you might/ The potential you’ll be that you’ll never see/ The promises you only make”
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